I'm back!

Wow. I just went back an read all of my old posts. I had no idea I hadn't posted since October, and I'd forgotten that I was struggling with my weight loss then. I'm struggling much more now.

Probably about a month after that last post in October, we found out that we were expecting a baby. I was so excited, and of course very nervous. But, I felt prepared, and I did everything the doctor told me to do, including the vitamin therapies and heporin shots. I tried to have faith, but I was an emotional wreck. At first I prayed and prayed fervently that I would be able to keep this baby, then eventually when problems were suspected I started to pray that I could keep the baby, but if it was not the Lord's will that I kept it, that the miscarriage would happen early on. Well, the last part of my prayer was answered, and I miscarried at 9 weeks. I was completely heartbroken, but I was given the gift of peace, and the gift of the knowledge that I'd done all I could to try to get this baby here, that it wasn't to be, and that all of my children that I will have during this earth life are here. I know that I will have Spencer to raise in the next life. I just have to be patient, which is one of life's greatest trials for me.

The other of life's greatest trials for me continues as I get back to losing weight and becoming healthy. It's been so helpful for me to go back and read my old entries. I still haven't shared this blog with anyone. Maybe I will later, or perhaps I never will, but I know now at least one of the reasons I needed to write it was for me. I need to remember the lessons I've learned through this journey. I had forgotten. I'd become caught up in my grief, and then in my anxiousness to move forward, and I once again forgot to take care of my body. Dang. I'd thought I had this figured out! But, like everything in life, it is a process.

I didn't gain much during my pregnancy-- perhaps a pound or two. It was after the miscarriage that I gained 10 pounds or so. So, I have not yet conquered my tendency to overeat when under emotional stress. Bummer. Maybe I will never completely conquer it. Maybe it's like alcoholism, and it will always be a struggle. I know that this is a life-long journey, and that I'll have to re-dedicate myself, and re-learn ways to overcome old, bad, deeply ingrained habits. And I supposed that's why most of us are given 80 years or so on this earth, so that we can figure it all out. I guess I need to be a little more patient with myself. I can't use that as an excuse, though. It's time to move forward with the weight loss once again.

Overall, I'm down about 35 pounds since I started the most recent leg of my journey began last summer. I do feel so much better than before, and I've had to buy new pants because my old ones were drowning me. I'm down to a size 18 or 20 (depends on the pants), which is almost out of plus size and very exciting for me!! Last year my very favorite pair of black dress pants that I would wear often to work were a size 24. So, I have come a long way. I still have a long way to go, though, and that's where I'm struggling. Since the miscarriage in January, I've lost a little, but now I'm going up and down, losing and gaining the same 5 pounds over and over again. I've been struggling with what in the world could be wrong with me! I keep getting within 6 pounds or so of being in "one"derland- under 200 pounds and a place I haven't been in for at least 13 years- and then I gain again. Why do I do this?? What is wrong with me?? I couldn't figure out why in the world I would have a problem being under 200 pounds, until I posed the question on facebook to Sarah Nitta. Sarah is the person I refered to in an earlier post who inspired me to start this blog. She was blogging about her experiences trying to get on the Biggest Loser show. Well, she ended up getting on the show this season. She is amazing and continues to inspire me. Anyway, she said that getting in the 100's is a change, something I'm not used to, and even good changes can be uncomfortable. That's it!! That is my problem!! I've also felt now that I will not be having another baby that it's time to teach full time. I'm working on renewing my credential and applying for a teaching job next year that's opening up at the school where I work as an aide. I'm excited about this change, and feel really good about it, but it's freaking me out!! I think this level of change combined with a new me physically has just got me completely paralyzed with fear. That sounds a little nuts, but it totally makes sense to me. So, I need to more forward with faith and not fear, once again. Faith, not fear. FAITH, not fear. This will be my new chant!! And I will begin this new way of thinking by facing another great fear with faith. I am running my first ever 5K this Saturday. Ashlee and I are running it together. It's in St. George, and is sponsored by the Biggest Loser resort there. Former contestants of the Biggest Loser will be there, including Sarah!! I'm looking forward to meeting her, and gaining more inspiration from these amazing people who have also been on this crazy roller-coaster-of-a-journey that I am currently on. The journey toward health and wellness-- I'm ready to jump back onboard!