A Cry for Help

Oh my goodness. Painful. I just went back and read all of my old posts. Sobbed a few times. Ouch. And yet, I also feel some peace. I need help again. I am struggling. I never thought this old blog could help like it is now, even if the help is extremely painful. It's been almost a year since my last post. That alone is telling, huh? And sadly, I'm back where I started before I lost the weight. I gained it back. I said I never would, but I did. Ouch. This is so very painful to admit. I almost can't stand it. I've obviously been avoiding it for a while.

Why???? Why oh why oh why did I let myself get back here? Maybe it's because way too much of my motivation before was having a baby. I suspected it before, but after going back and reading old posts I'm sure of it. I will not be having another baby. That is reality. I need to move forward. I need to let go of the pain of such a tremendous loss. I'd almost forgotten the peace I'd felt about this decision last year. Maybe not forgotten, but pushed it to the back of my mind. In looking to move forward, however, I think I've replaced the obsession with having a baby with an obsession with getting a teaching job. I think about it all the time. I talk about it all the time. I stress about it constantly. I've thrown all my energy into "moving on to the next stage in my life". And although I feel that teaching full time is the right thing to do now, I don't think I'm balanced about it. I'm seriously, seriously stressed about it. Have a mentioned what stress does to me?? Exactly. No wonder my eating feels completely and totally out of control. This entry is a mix of blathering emotions. I needed to get it out, though. Been stuffing it down for to long. I need to feel. I need to live. I need to let some regrets and disappointments and heartaches go. I need to take care of me, even though taking care of me does not directly benefit an unborn child. It will benefit my living children. It will benefit me. Help! I don't feel as if I can do this on my own.

I know where to turn. I've plead for help in my prayers, but I'm lacking the application, the faith, the Spirit with me constantly. I need to do more. I need to read my scriptures consistantly. I need to attend the temple more regularly. I can't just ask Him. I have to seek. So I begin my journey. Again. But this time I will rely more on Him. This is the key. He alone can give me the strength to overcome this great weakness in me. I will turn to Him.

I'm back!

Wow. I just went back an read all of my old posts. I had no idea I hadn't posted since October, and I'd forgotten that I was struggling with my weight loss then. I'm struggling much more now.

Probably about a month after that last post in October, we found out that we were expecting a baby. I was so excited, and of course very nervous. But, I felt prepared, and I did everything the doctor told me to do, including the vitamin therapies and heporin shots. I tried to have faith, but I was an emotional wreck. At first I prayed and prayed fervently that I would be able to keep this baby, then eventually when problems were suspected I started to pray that I could keep the baby, but if it was not the Lord's will that I kept it, that the miscarriage would happen early on. Well, the last part of my prayer was answered, and I miscarried at 9 weeks. I was completely heartbroken, but I was given the gift of peace, and the gift of the knowledge that I'd done all I could to try to get this baby here, that it wasn't to be, and that all of my children that I will have during this earth life are here. I know that I will have Spencer to raise in the next life. I just have to be patient, which is one of life's greatest trials for me.

The other of life's greatest trials for me continues as I get back to losing weight and becoming healthy. It's been so helpful for me to go back and read my old entries. I still haven't shared this blog with anyone. Maybe I will later, or perhaps I never will, but I know now at least one of the reasons I needed to write it was for me. I need to remember the lessons I've learned through this journey. I had forgotten. I'd become caught up in my grief, and then in my anxiousness to move forward, and I once again forgot to take care of my body. Dang. I'd thought I had this figured out! But, like everything in life, it is a process.

I didn't gain much during my pregnancy-- perhaps a pound or two. It was after the miscarriage that I gained 10 pounds or so. So, I have not yet conquered my tendency to overeat when under emotional stress. Bummer. Maybe I will never completely conquer it. Maybe it's like alcoholism, and it will always be a struggle. I know that this is a life-long journey, and that I'll have to re-dedicate myself, and re-learn ways to overcome old, bad, deeply ingrained habits. And I supposed that's why most of us are given 80 years or so on this earth, so that we can figure it all out. I guess I need to be a little more patient with myself. I can't use that as an excuse, though. It's time to move forward with the weight loss once again.

Overall, I'm down about 35 pounds since I started the most recent leg of my journey began last summer. I do feel so much better than before, and I've had to buy new pants because my old ones were drowning me. I'm down to a size 18 or 20 (depends on the pants), which is almost out of plus size and very exciting for me!! Last year my very favorite pair of black dress pants that I would wear often to work were a size 24. So, I have come a long way. I still have a long way to go, though, and that's where I'm struggling. Since the miscarriage in January, I've lost a little, but now I'm going up and down, losing and gaining the same 5 pounds over and over again. I've been struggling with what in the world could be wrong with me! I keep getting within 6 pounds or so of being in "one"derland- under 200 pounds and a place I haven't been in for at least 13 years- and then I gain again. Why do I do this?? What is wrong with me?? I couldn't figure out why in the world I would have a problem being under 200 pounds, until I posed the question on facebook to Sarah Nitta. Sarah is the person I refered to in an earlier post who inspired me to start this blog. She was blogging about her experiences trying to get on the Biggest Loser show. Well, she ended up getting on the show this season. She is amazing and continues to inspire me. Anyway, she said that getting in the 100's is a change, something I'm not used to, and even good changes can be uncomfortable. That's it!! That is my problem!! I've also felt now that I will not be having another baby that it's time to teach full time. I'm working on renewing my credential and applying for a teaching job next year that's opening up at the school where I work as an aide. I'm excited about this change, and feel really good about it, but it's freaking me out!! I think this level of change combined with a new me physically has just got me completely paralyzed with fear. That sounds a little nuts, but it totally makes sense to me. So, I need to more forward with faith and not fear, once again. Faith, not fear. FAITH, not fear. This will be my new chant!! And I will begin this new way of thinking by facing another great fear with faith. I am running my first ever 5K this Saturday. Ashlee and I are running it together. It's in St. George, and is sponsored by the Biggest Loser resort there. Former contestants of the Biggest Loser will be there, including Sarah!! I'm looking forward to meeting her, and gaining more inspiration from these amazing people who have also been on this crazy roller-coaster-of-a-journey that I am currently on. The journey toward health and wellness-- I'm ready to jump back onboard!

Struggling

I am struggling, and I decided I'd better post about that as well. I feel stuck. The weight loss has slowed down, even coming to a stand-still this past week. I skipped my weight-loss class for the first time this past Monday. I was afraid I hadn't lost and didn't want to get on the scale. I'm finding myself wanting to "leave out" or "adjust" food amount on my food log, and I'm craving junk. I feel like I'm slipping backwards toward old attitudes and behaviors. I don't want to do this! Help! And Halloween is coming up, so there will be tons of chocolate in the house. I'm so afraid that I won't have the strength to avoid the temptation. I really should have gone to class-- maybe I would've found some strength in the support there. Now I'm feeling guilty about all of these things and that makes the desire to overeat stronger. Yikes!  I find myself thinking about having a baby constantly now. I know the time is near, and I need to keep preparing my body for pregnancy. It's so hard to be patient-- I just want to hold my baby in my arms NOW!

 Maybe I'm putting too much focus on a certain weight goal. That is a big part of it, I think. I really wanted to get under 200 lbs. by the end of our weight loss challenge, but that is only a week and a half away, so it is  not really possible now. Maybe I need to readjust my goals. Maybe I'm putting way too much pressure on myself. Maybe I just need to take a deep breath, stop panicking, and focus on the true goal-- to become a healthier person. And I'm doing that. Tonight we had a Stake Relief Society meeting where they served us dinner. The main course was a delicious, healthy soup, thank goodness. But with it were delicious-looking Lion House orange rolls. They smelled like Fall and Christmas and Heaven all wrapped up together. I had a bite. It was amazingly good. Then I brought the rest of the roll home and gave it to Tim. No way I would've done that 4 months ago. I would've justified it and eaten all! So, I am progressing. The old temptations will come and go, but I have more strength and respect for my body now. I can resist. I will resist! (And I will continue telling myself this over and over and over until I truly believe it.....)

Junk Food-less Celebrating

Today after school is out the wonderful "Harvest Holiday" break begins and will last for a glorious 5 days. We've all been looking forward to being off of school and work for a while. Our budget is way too tight to actually go anywhere, but we're really excited about the prospect of some time just to be at home or doing things around here as a family. But, I'm really struggling. I'm home from work now, and I feel like celebrating, but I've got it in my head that "celebrating" is synonymous with "pigging-out". I want to have a "party" tonight with Tim and the kids, watching movies and eating pizza, chips, and icecream. WHY?? Why is the urge to celebrate by eating so strong? Ugh. Just when I thought I'd come so far. I guess I really have come far, though, because I may get a delite pizza from Papa Muphy's, but I will not be buying chips or icecream. Maybe I can come up with some other fun, healthy foods. I wonder why I even have to use food as celebrating at all though, even healthy food. Then I remember that food itself is not the enemy here. Too much of the wrong kinds of food is. So maybe I'll go ahead and make some of the whole-wheat, sugar-free, egg white, applesause-instead-of-oil pumpkin bread that is my new favorite. I can still celebrate without blowing it, I know I can. And it'll be good practice for all of the majorly food-oriented holidays that are coming up in the next few months- Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 4 birthdays. Heaven help me.

The Difference

I continue to learn as I'm on this journey that is so much more emotional than it is physical.  I wonder, what is it about this weight-loss attempt that is different? I've had the knowledge and motivation that I've needed for a long time, but my mind was just not in the right place to stick with it. I think that a big part of the problem in the past was that I was fighting my body. I had in my mind that my body was the enemy, and that I had to use my mind to control and dominate it. I was angry with my body, and sometimes I even really hated it. I would look at thin people, and many times I would see them eating all of the unhealthy things that I wanted to eat and I would think how totally unfair it was that my body harbored fat while their bodies did not. And I'd loathe my body even more. I'd fight it and try to dominate it. In the end my body always won, though. I could only exercise control over it for a short time, and then I would become emotionally weak and eventually give in and give up.

Then I had those very difficult but powerful experiences with my body. I watched my body heal itself after back surgery. Even seeing the scar heal and watching my body make new skin absolutely fascinated me. And slowly but surely, I got stronger again after having my muscles atrophy from disuse for the three months prior to my surgery that I spend in bed. It was truly amazing. Then last January when I miscarried and hemmoraged so badly that my life was in danger, I saw my body fight. I marveled as my body took in 2 pints of someone else's blood and used it. It was amazing.  And I finally realized that my body is NOT the enemy. My body is an amazing gift! Okay, so I've been taught all of my life that "our bodies are temples" and "our bodies are gifts from our Father in Heaven" and that we wanted nothing more than to come to earth and be given a body. But I guess I'd never changed the "our bodies" in my mind to "MY body". MY body is a temple, a gift, and a blessing. I am the one who has been abusing it by overeating and underexercising, and yet it still works for me. It wants to be healthy- it craves healthy food and exercise.

And so I really think that that is the biggest difference this time. I'm not on a "diet", and I'm not fighting with and depriving my body anymore. Instead, I'm working with my body, trying to feed it right and give it exercise, and together we are becoming who I am supposed to be.

In training

I went to my OB/GYN for my yearly check-up today. I certainly wasn't looking forward to that awkward examination, but I did not expect to become so emotional. I sat in one of the rooms that I remembered all too well. It was the room Tim and I had waited for the doctor in after the ultrasound where they told us our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was 20 weeks along. Sitting in that room today brought back the pain of that day 2 years ago, and along with it came the pain of the year before when I had my first miscarriage at 10 weeks, and just this past January, when I lost the baby at 14 weeks. I couldn't stop the tears.  I was a little mad at myself for not figuring this might happen so that I could at least prepare for it a little bit emotionally. Then again, how do you prepare for the memory of such tremendous heartbreak? How do you protect your heart from the anguish of losing an unborn child, let alone 3 unborn children? You don't. You remember, you cry, and you move forward with hope.  That's all you can do. As I was undressing in preparation for the exam, I looked up at a calendar that was on the wall in front of me.  Under the picture of a nature scene that I can't remember were these simple words I will never forget, "Without faith, nothing is possible. With faith, nothing is impossible."  Those words pierced my aching heart, and I  knew they were true, and they were meant for me. With faith, I will move forward and try once again to bring this last baby to earth to join our family. I'm scared, though. Really scared. I don't think my heart could take yet another loss. But I know it's right, and so I have to put my trust in the Lord and move forward.

Faith without works, however, is dead.  I have to do everything in my power to insure this baby's health. Not that I haven't before-- I have. But now I know more. I know that I have a gene that can cause blood clots in my uterus, a likely cause of my previous miscarriages. I'll need to take a special prenatal vitamin along with folate and b-vitamins everyday. I have to build this up in my system over the next few months before I get pregnant.  When I'm pregnant I'll have to give myself heporin shots in the stomach twice daily. I'm prepared for these things and will do anything to help make a body for this baby.  I also want my body to be in the best shape possible. Now, I know that my weight problem did not cause my past miscarriages. And I know that you don't have to be in perfect shape to have a child (or let's face it, there wouldn't be very many people on Earth...). But I feel like I really have to get my body prepared for this pregnancy. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I know that my weight must have contributed to my back problems that caused me to need surgery, and I never want to go through that kind of pain and helplessness again. Or maybe it's because I'm getting older, and my body just couldn't handle pregnancy weight on top of my already overweight body. More likely, it's just something that I can control, and I feel like I need to have power over SOMETHING. I don't know. But I do know that I am in training. Not in training for a marathon, like my amazing (and also somewhat insane) husband. I'm in training for a baby-thon. I'm getting my body in shape so that it can deal with pregnancy and then keep up with a baby when I'm 39 and in my early 40's.  Come on, do I need any more motivation than that?? I'm also in training for the rest of my life. I need to be around, feel good, and have the energy to take care of my home and my family.  20 pounds and 25 inches down, and as much as I can get off in the next few months to go. So, look out neighbors. Sorry if you'll have to continue to see me haul myself in all my hugeness down the street. You may even catch me jogging a little like you have before. And I won't be partaking in any of those yummy treats after church potlucks and Relief Society meetings. I'm in training.

Gratitude

I wanted to post a poem I wrote a few years ago. I wrote it in a notebook after playing with my kids at the park. It's dated March 16, 2008. Little did I know that a few months later I'd injure my back so badly I'd be down for 3 months, lose the baby I was carrying, and have back surgery.  It really does pinpoint the mental beginning of my journey toward health and wellness, though. It still makes me cry. Here it is-

The journey begins-

Gratitude
for a body
that doesn't fail me
though I've failed it
and abused it with food
and caused it to carry
100 extra pounds.
This time I don't just watch
as my kids swing
and run
and slide.
I swing
and chase my son
and he laughs with delight.
I can never catch him,
but he doesn't know that.
Then I race my girls to the car.
Even with my huge head start
they all win.
But we're laughing,
and as I desperately try
to fill my lungs with air,
my soul is filled with gratitude
and I vow to treat my body
like the temple that it is.