In training

I went to my OB/GYN for my yearly check-up today. I certainly wasn't looking forward to that awkward examination, but I did not expect to become so emotional. I sat in one of the rooms that I remembered all too well. It was the room Tim and I had waited for the doctor in after the ultrasound where they told us our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was 20 weeks along. Sitting in that room today brought back the pain of that day 2 years ago, and along with it came the pain of the year before when I had my first miscarriage at 10 weeks, and just this past January, when I lost the baby at 14 weeks. I couldn't stop the tears.  I was a little mad at myself for not figuring this might happen so that I could at least prepare for it a little bit emotionally. Then again, how do you prepare for the memory of such tremendous heartbreak? How do you protect your heart from the anguish of losing an unborn child, let alone 3 unborn children? You don't. You remember, you cry, and you move forward with hope.  That's all you can do. As I was undressing in preparation for the exam, I looked up at a calendar that was on the wall in front of me.  Under the picture of a nature scene that I can't remember were these simple words I will never forget, "Without faith, nothing is possible. With faith, nothing is impossible."  Those words pierced my aching heart, and I  knew they were true, and they were meant for me. With faith, I will move forward and try once again to bring this last baby to earth to join our family. I'm scared, though. Really scared. I don't think my heart could take yet another loss. But I know it's right, and so I have to put my trust in the Lord and move forward.

Faith without works, however, is dead.  I have to do everything in my power to insure this baby's health. Not that I haven't before-- I have. But now I know more. I know that I have a gene that can cause blood clots in my uterus, a likely cause of my previous miscarriages. I'll need to take a special prenatal vitamin along with folate and b-vitamins everyday. I have to build this up in my system over the next few months before I get pregnant.  When I'm pregnant I'll have to give myself heporin shots in the stomach twice daily. I'm prepared for these things and will do anything to help make a body for this baby.  I also want my body to be in the best shape possible. Now, I know that my weight problem did not cause my past miscarriages. And I know that you don't have to be in perfect shape to have a child (or let's face it, there wouldn't be very many people on Earth...). But I feel like I really have to get my body prepared for this pregnancy. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I know that my weight must have contributed to my back problems that caused me to need surgery, and I never want to go through that kind of pain and helplessness again. Or maybe it's because I'm getting older, and my body just couldn't handle pregnancy weight on top of my already overweight body. More likely, it's just something that I can control, and I feel like I need to have power over SOMETHING. I don't know. But I do know that I am in training. Not in training for a marathon, like my amazing (and also somewhat insane) husband. I'm in training for a baby-thon. I'm getting my body in shape so that it can deal with pregnancy and then keep up with a baby when I'm 39 and in my early 40's.  Come on, do I need any more motivation than that?? I'm also in training for the rest of my life. I need to be around, feel good, and have the energy to take care of my home and my family.  20 pounds and 25 inches down, and as much as I can get off in the next few months to go. So, look out neighbors. Sorry if you'll have to continue to see me haul myself in all my hugeness down the street. You may even catch me jogging a little like you have before. And I won't be partaking in any of those yummy treats after church potlucks and Relief Society meetings. I'm in training.

Gratitude

I wanted to post a poem I wrote a few years ago. I wrote it in a notebook after playing with my kids at the park. It's dated March 16, 2008. Little did I know that a few months later I'd injure my back so badly I'd be down for 3 months, lose the baby I was carrying, and have back surgery.  It really does pinpoint the mental beginning of my journey toward health and wellness, though. It still makes me cry. Here it is-

The journey begins-

Gratitude
for a body
that doesn't fail me
though I've failed it
and abused it with food
and caused it to carry
100 extra pounds.
This time I don't just watch
as my kids swing
and run
and slide.
I swing
and chase my son
and he laughs with delight.
I can never catch him,
but he doesn't know that.
Then I race my girls to the car.
Even with my huge head start
they all win.
But we're laughing,
and as I desperately try
to fill my lungs with air,
my soul is filled with gratitude
and I vow to treat my body
like the temple that it is. 

Final Weigh-In

Last night was a bit of an emotional roller coaster. We had our final weigh-in for the Iron County Weight Loss Challenge. I knew I couldn't win for pounds lost, but thought I might come in second. I also thought I might win for inches lost. I told myself over and over that it didn't matter anyway. I was a winner, no matter what happened. But let's just be honest here, who doesn't want to WIN? Who doesn't like bragging rights? And who doesn't want to win when the prize is CASH?? Okay, so I wanted to win. Pretty badly. I'd been crazy all day long, weighing myself in the morning, after I showered, after I went to the bathroom, after I changed my clothes before I left for the meeting, etc., etc.... (So, I'm obviously not in as fantastic a mental place with my weight loss as I thought I was.) Mostly, though,I just wanted to reach my goal of 20 pounds lost. I was only about a pound and a half away from that goal, and I really, really, really wanted to reach it. So, with my heart pounding I stepped on the scale at the meeting, and............ YES!!  I'd lost 2 pounds in the last week and reached my goal!! I was elated.  

Then I went and sat in the meeting area while I waited to be measured. And there, staring at me from the wall, was my "before" picture. Yikes. There are very, very few pictures of me alone. I've learned great picture-posing strategies, like hiding my body behind my husband or a couple of the kids. For some reason, when I look in the mirror I'm able to trick my mind into thinking I'm thinner than I really am. But, cameras don't lie. So when I see a picture of myself in all of my hugeness I once again die a thousand deaths. Ouch. So, there was pain that I had looked like that, and relief in the realization that I looked at least a little better now. See, I told you it was an emotional roller coaster.

So, then I was measured, and I was up on the emotional swing again when I saw how many inches I'd lost in the past 8 weeks. I think it was like 5 or more inches off my hips, and 5 or so off of my thigh, etc. How could I not be excited about that??  Then class started, and Austin had some really great and inspiring things to say about continuing our journey. I even got choked up a little bit, because for the first time I got it. I totally got what he meant, because for me this was absolutely not the end. This was not some diet I was on and would be going off of. This was a real change. A new lifestyle. For the first time ever, I didn't have the fear in the back of my mind saying, "But what if you go back to your old habits and gain the weight back?" I'm actually a different person than I was 8 weeks ago. Amazing.

Then it was time to annouce the winners. I was not at all surprised when they announced the winner for pounds lost-- I knew she was way ahead of me and that she would win. But when she also won for inches lost, I have to admit that the roller coaster plummeted down the hill once again. And seeing her hold all of that cash brought out a little bit of the green envy monster in me. ("There go my new running shoes I was going to buy with the prize money... ")  But, really, it was okay. My new way of thinking is worth way, way more than prize money, or even the running shoes I was going to buy with it. "We're all winners" sounds cheesy, but it was true. Then Kristen asked me to talk about how the challenge had changed my life. So, of course, I began very eloquently... by bawling, then babbling. But I was very sincere in my babbling, so I hope they at least felt that. :) 

After class I went to find out how many inches I'd lost total. I was so very curious about that. And I saw that I'd lost 25 inches. Wow. 10% of my body was now gone.  Can't complain about that!! And I saw that I was in third place for both pounds and inches percentage-wise. I was really close to the second place person, though. And then I tried to remind myself once again that the competition wasn't the main thing here. My new body, my newfound energy, and especially my new lifestlye and way of thinking are really what I won.

So, there marks a little milestone along the pathway of my wellness journey. I've still got a long way to go in pounds and inches, but for the most part the mental work is done. I'm so totally and completely committed to being well and healthy, more so than I have ever been.  It's still hard sometimes, and I still want to eat emotionally sometimes, but I'm am doing so much better than ever before. I'm on my way!!!!