Struggling

I am struggling, and I decided I'd better post about that as well. I feel stuck. The weight loss has slowed down, even coming to a stand-still this past week. I skipped my weight-loss class for the first time this past Monday. I was afraid I hadn't lost and didn't want to get on the scale. I'm finding myself wanting to "leave out" or "adjust" food amount on my food log, and I'm craving junk. I feel like I'm slipping backwards toward old attitudes and behaviors. I don't want to do this! Help! And Halloween is coming up, so there will be tons of chocolate in the house. I'm so afraid that I won't have the strength to avoid the temptation. I really should have gone to class-- maybe I would've found some strength in the support there. Now I'm feeling guilty about all of these things and that makes the desire to overeat stronger. Yikes!  I find myself thinking about having a baby constantly now. I know the time is near, and I need to keep preparing my body for pregnancy. It's so hard to be patient-- I just want to hold my baby in my arms NOW!

 Maybe I'm putting too much focus on a certain weight goal. That is a big part of it, I think. I really wanted to get under 200 lbs. by the end of our weight loss challenge, but that is only a week and a half away, so it is  not really possible now. Maybe I need to readjust my goals. Maybe I'm putting way too much pressure on myself. Maybe I just need to take a deep breath, stop panicking, and focus on the true goal-- to become a healthier person. And I'm doing that. Tonight we had a Stake Relief Society meeting where they served us dinner. The main course was a delicious, healthy soup, thank goodness. But with it were delicious-looking Lion House orange rolls. They smelled like Fall and Christmas and Heaven all wrapped up together. I had a bite. It was amazingly good. Then I brought the rest of the roll home and gave it to Tim. No way I would've done that 4 months ago. I would've justified it and eaten all! So, I am progressing. The old temptations will come and go, but I have more strength and respect for my body now. I can resist. I will resist! (And I will continue telling myself this over and over and over until I truly believe it.....)

Junk Food-less Celebrating

Today after school is out the wonderful "Harvest Holiday" break begins and will last for a glorious 5 days. We've all been looking forward to being off of school and work for a while. Our budget is way too tight to actually go anywhere, but we're really excited about the prospect of some time just to be at home or doing things around here as a family. But, I'm really struggling. I'm home from work now, and I feel like celebrating, but I've got it in my head that "celebrating" is synonymous with "pigging-out". I want to have a "party" tonight with Tim and the kids, watching movies and eating pizza, chips, and icecream. WHY?? Why is the urge to celebrate by eating so strong? Ugh. Just when I thought I'd come so far. I guess I really have come far, though, because I may get a delite pizza from Papa Muphy's, but I will not be buying chips or icecream. Maybe I can come up with some other fun, healthy foods. I wonder why I even have to use food as celebrating at all though, even healthy food. Then I remember that food itself is not the enemy here. Too much of the wrong kinds of food is. So maybe I'll go ahead and make some of the whole-wheat, sugar-free, egg white, applesause-instead-of-oil pumpkin bread that is my new favorite. I can still celebrate without blowing it, I know I can. And it'll be good practice for all of the majorly food-oriented holidays that are coming up in the next few months- Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 4 birthdays. Heaven help me.

The Difference

I continue to learn as I'm on this journey that is so much more emotional than it is physical.  I wonder, what is it about this weight-loss attempt that is different? I've had the knowledge and motivation that I've needed for a long time, but my mind was just not in the right place to stick with it. I think that a big part of the problem in the past was that I was fighting my body. I had in my mind that my body was the enemy, and that I had to use my mind to control and dominate it. I was angry with my body, and sometimes I even really hated it. I would look at thin people, and many times I would see them eating all of the unhealthy things that I wanted to eat and I would think how totally unfair it was that my body harbored fat while their bodies did not. And I'd loathe my body even more. I'd fight it and try to dominate it. In the end my body always won, though. I could only exercise control over it for a short time, and then I would become emotionally weak and eventually give in and give up.

Then I had those very difficult but powerful experiences with my body. I watched my body heal itself after back surgery. Even seeing the scar heal and watching my body make new skin absolutely fascinated me. And slowly but surely, I got stronger again after having my muscles atrophy from disuse for the three months prior to my surgery that I spend in bed. It was truly amazing. Then last January when I miscarried and hemmoraged so badly that my life was in danger, I saw my body fight. I marveled as my body took in 2 pints of someone else's blood and used it. It was amazing.  And I finally realized that my body is NOT the enemy. My body is an amazing gift! Okay, so I've been taught all of my life that "our bodies are temples" and "our bodies are gifts from our Father in Heaven" and that we wanted nothing more than to come to earth and be given a body. But I guess I'd never changed the "our bodies" in my mind to "MY body". MY body is a temple, a gift, and a blessing. I am the one who has been abusing it by overeating and underexercising, and yet it still works for me. It wants to be healthy- it craves healthy food and exercise.

And so I really think that that is the biggest difference this time. I'm not on a "diet", and I'm not fighting with and depriving my body anymore. Instead, I'm working with my body, trying to feed it right and give it exercise, and together we are becoming who I am supposed to be.