A Cry for Help

Oh my goodness. Painful. I just went back and read all of my old posts. Sobbed a few times. Ouch. And yet, I also feel some peace. I need help again. I am struggling. I never thought this old blog could help like it is now, even if the help is extremely painful. It's been almost a year since my last post. That alone is telling, huh? And sadly, I'm back where I started before I lost the weight. I gained it back. I said I never would, but I did. Ouch. This is so very painful to admit. I almost can't stand it. I've obviously been avoiding it for a while.

Why???? Why oh why oh why did I let myself get back here? Maybe it's because way too much of my motivation before was having a baby. I suspected it before, but after going back and reading old posts I'm sure of it. I will not be having another baby. That is reality. I need to move forward. I need to let go of the pain of such a tremendous loss. I'd almost forgotten the peace I'd felt about this decision last year. Maybe not forgotten, but pushed it to the back of my mind. In looking to move forward, however, I think I've replaced the obsession with having a baby with an obsession with getting a teaching job. I think about it all the time. I talk about it all the time. I stress about it constantly. I've thrown all my energy into "moving on to the next stage in my life". And although I feel that teaching full time is the right thing to do now, I don't think I'm balanced about it. I'm seriously, seriously stressed about it. Have a mentioned what stress does to me?? Exactly. No wonder my eating feels completely and totally out of control. This entry is a mix of blathering emotions. I needed to get it out, though. Been stuffing it down for to long. I need to feel. I need to live. I need to let some regrets and disappointments and heartaches go. I need to take care of me, even though taking care of me does not directly benefit an unborn child. It will benefit my living children. It will benefit me. Help! I don't feel as if I can do this on my own.

I know where to turn. I've plead for help in my prayers, but I'm lacking the application, the faith, the Spirit with me constantly. I need to do more. I need to read my scriptures consistantly. I need to attend the temple more regularly. I can't just ask Him. I have to seek. So I begin my journey. Again. But this time I will rely more on Him. This is the key. He alone can give me the strength to overcome this great weakness in me. I will turn to Him.