Struggling

I am struggling, and I decided I'd better post about that as well. I feel stuck. The weight loss has slowed down, even coming to a stand-still this past week. I skipped my weight-loss class for the first time this past Monday. I was afraid I hadn't lost and didn't want to get on the scale. I'm finding myself wanting to "leave out" or "adjust" food amount on my food log, and I'm craving junk. I feel like I'm slipping backwards toward old attitudes and behaviors. I don't want to do this! Help! And Halloween is coming up, so there will be tons of chocolate in the house. I'm so afraid that I won't have the strength to avoid the temptation. I really should have gone to class-- maybe I would've found some strength in the support there. Now I'm feeling guilty about all of these things and that makes the desire to overeat stronger. Yikes!  I find myself thinking about having a baby constantly now. I know the time is near, and I need to keep preparing my body for pregnancy. It's so hard to be patient-- I just want to hold my baby in my arms NOW!

 Maybe I'm putting too much focus on a certain weight goal. That is a big part of it, I think. I really wanted to get under 200 lbs. by the end of our weight loss challenge, but that is only a week and a half away, so it is  not really possible now. Maybe I need to readjust my goals. Maybe I'm putting way too much pressure on myself. Maybe I just need to take a deep breath, stop panicking, and focus on the true goal-- to become a healthier person. And I'm doing that. Tonight we had a Stake Relief Society meeting where they served us dinner. The main course was a delicious, healthy soup, thank goodness. But with it were delicious-looking Lion House orange rolls. They smelled like Fall and Christmas and Heaven all wrapped up together. I had a bite. It was amazingly good. Then I brought the rest of the roll home and gave it to Tim. No way I would've done that 4 months ago. I would've justified it and eaten all! So, I am progressing. The old temptations will come and go, but I have more strength and respect for my body now. I can resist. I will resist! (And I will continue telling myself this over and over and over until I truly believe it.....)

Junk Food-less Celebrating

Today after school is out the wonderful "Harvest Holiday" break begins and will last for a glorious 5 days. We've all been looking forward to being off of school and work for a while. Our budget is way too tight to actually go anywhere, but we're really excited about the prospect of some time just to be at home or doing things around here as a family. But, I'm really struggling. I'm home from work now, and I feel like celebrating, but I've got it in my head that "celebrating" is synonymous with "pigging-out". I want to have a "party" tonight with Tim and the kids, watching movies and eating pizza, chips, and icecream. WHY?? Why is the urge to celebrate by eating so strong? Ugh. Just when I thought I'd come so far. I guess I really have come far, though, because I may get a delite pizza from Papa Muphy's, but I will not be buying chips or icecream. Maybe I can come up with some other fun, healthy foods. I wonder why I even have to use food as celebrating at all though, even healthy food. Then I remember that food itself is not the enemy here. Too much of the wrong kinds of food is. So maybe I'll go ahead and make some of the whole-wheat, sugar-free, egg white, applesause-instead-of-oil pumpkin bread that is my new favorite. I can still celebrate without blowing it, I know I can. And it'll be good practice for all of the majorly food-oriented holidays that are coming up in the next few months- Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 4 birthdays. Heaven help me.

The Difference

I continue to learn as I'm on this journey that is so much more emotional than it is physical.  I wonder, what is it about this weight-loss attempt that is different? I've had the knowledge and motivation that I've needed for a long time, but my mind was just not in the right place to stick with it. I think that a big part of the problem in the past was that I was fighting my body. I had in my mind that my body was the enemy, and that I had to use my mind to control and dominate it. I was angry with my body, and sometimes I even really hated it. I would look at thin people, and many times I would see them eating all of the unhealthy things that I wanted to eat and I would think how totally unfair it was that my body harbored fat while their bodies did not. And I'd loathe my body even more. I'd fight it and try to dominate it. In the end my body always won, though. I could only exercise control over it for a short time, and then I would become emotionally weak and eventually give in and give up.

Then I had those very difficult but powerful experiences with my body. I watched my body heal itself after back surgery. Even seeing the scar heal and watching my body make new skin absolutely fascinated me. And slowly but surely, I got stronger again after having my muscles atrophy from disuse for the three months prior to my surgery that I spend in bed. It was truly amazing. Then last January when I miscarried and hemmoraged so badly that my life was in danger, I saw my body fight. I marveled as my body took in 2 pints of someone else's blood and used it. It was amazing.  And I finally realized that my body is NOT the enemy. My body is an amazing gift! Okay, so I've been taught all of my life that "our bodies are temples" and "our bodies are gifts from our Father in Heaven" and that we wanted nothing more than to come to earth and be given a body. But I guess I'd never changed the "our bodies" in my mind to "MY body". MY body is a temple, a gift, and a blessing. I am the one who has been abusing it by overeating and underexercising, and yet it still works for me. It wants to be healthy- it craves healthy food and exercise.

And so I really think that that is the biggest difference this time. I'm not on a "diet", and I'm not fighting with and depriving my body anymore. Instead, I'm working with my body, trying to feed it right and give it exercise, and together we are becoming who I am supposed to be.

In training

I went to my OB/GYN for my yearly check-up today. I certainly wasn't looking forward to that awkward examination, but I did not expect to become so emotional. I sat in one of the rooms that I remembered all too well. It was the room Tim and I had waited for the doctor in after the ultrasound where they told us our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was 20 weeks along. Sitting in that room today brought back the pain of that day 2 years ago, and along with it came the pain of the year before when I had my first miscarriage at 10 weeks, and just this past January, when I lost the baby at 14 weeks. I couldn't stop the tears.  I was a little mad at myself for not figuring this might happen so that I could at least prepare for it a little bit emotionally. Then again, how do you prepare for the memory of such tremendous heartbreak? How do you protect your heart from the anguish of losing an unborn child, let alone 3 unborn children? You don't. You remember, you cry, and you move forward with hope.  That's all you can do. As I was undressing in preparation for the exam, I looked up at a calendar that was on the wall in front of me.  Under the picture of a nature scene that I can't remember were these simple words I will never forget, "Without faith, nothing is possible. With faith, nothing is impossible."  Those words pierced my aching heart, and I  knew they were true, and they were meant for me. With faith, I will move forward and try once again to bring this last baby to earth to join our family. I'm scared, though. Really scared. I don't think my heart could take yet another loss. But I know it's right, and so I have to put my trust in the Lord and move forward.

Faith without works, however, is dead.  I have to do everything in my power to insure this baby's health. Not that I haven't before-- I have. But now I know more. I know that I have a gene that can cause blood clots in my uterus, a likely cause of my previous miscarriages. I'll need to take a special prenatal vitamin along with folate and b-vitamins everyday. I have to build this up in my system over the next few months before I get pregnant.  When I'm pregnant I'll have to give myself heporin shots in the stomach twice daily. I'm prepared for these things and will do anything to help make a body for this baby.  I also want my body to be in the best shape possible. Now, I know that my weight problem did not cause my past miscarriages. And I know that you don't have to be in perfect shape to have a child (or let's face it, there wouldn't be very many people on Earth...). But I feel like I really have to get my body prepared for this pregnancy. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I know that my weight must have contributed to my back problems that caused me to need surgery, and I never want to go through that kind of pain and helplessness again. Or maybe it's because I'm getting older, and my body just couldn't handle pregnancy weight on top of my already overweight body. More likely, it's just something that I can control, and I feel like I need to have power over SOMETHING. I don't know. But I do know that I am in training. Not in training for a marathon, like my amazing (and also somewhat insane) husband. I'm in training for a baby-thon. I'm getting my body in shape so that it can deal with pregnancy and then keep up with a baby when I'm 39 and in my early 40's.  Come on, do I need any more motivation than that?? I'm also in training for the rest of my life. I need to be around, feel good, and have the energy to take care of my home and my family.  20 pounds and 25 inches down, and as much as I can get off in the next few months to go. So, look out neighbors. Sorry if you'll have to continue to see me haul myself in all my hugeness down the street. You may even catch me jogging a little like you have before. And I won't be partaking in any of those yummy treats after church potlucks and Relief Society meetings. I'm in training.

Gratitude

I wanted to post a poem I wrote a few years ago. I wrote it in a notebook after playing with my kids at the park. It's dated March 16, 2008. Little did I know that a few months later I'd injure my back so badly I'd be down for 3 months, lose the baby I was carrying, and have back surgery.  It really does pinpoint the mental beginning of my journey toward health and wellness, though. It still makes me cry. Here it is-

The journey begins-

Gratitude
for a body
that doesn't fail me
though I've failed it
and abused it with food
and caused it to carry
100 extra pounds.
This time I don't just watch
as my kids swing
and run
and slide.
I swing
and chase my son
and he laughs with delight.
I can never catch him,
but he doesn't know that.
Then I race my girls to the car.
Even with my huge head start
they all win.
But we're laughing,
and as I desperately try
to fill my lungs with air,
my soul is filled with gratitude
and I vow to treat my body
like the temple that it is. 

Final Weigh-In

Last night was a bit of an emotional roller coaster. We had our final weigh-in for the Iron County Weight Loss Challenge. I knew I couldn't win for pounds lost, but thought I might come in second. I also thought I might win for inches lost. I told myself over and over that it didn't matter anyway. I was a winner, no matter what happened. But let's just be honest here, who doesn't want to WIN? Who doesn't like bragging rights? And who doesn't want to win when the prize is CASH?? Okay, so I wanted to win. Pretty badly. I'd been crazy all day long, weighing myself in the morning, after I showered, after I went to the bathroom, after I changed my clothes before I left for the meeting, etc., etc.... (So, I'm obviously not in as fantastic a mental place with my weight loss as I thought I was.) Mostly, though,I just wanted to reach my goal of 20 pounds lost. I was only about a pound and a half away from that goal, and I really, really, really wanted to reach it. So, with my heart pounding I stepped on the scale at the meeting, and............ YES!!  I'd lost 2 pounds in the last week and reached my goal!! I was elated.  

Then I went and sat in the meeting area while I waited to be measured. And there, staring at me from the wall, was my "before" picture. Yikes. There are very, very few pictures of me alone. I've learned great picture-posing strategies, like hiding my body behind my husband or a couple of the kids. For some reason, when I look in the mirror I'm able to trick my mind into thinking I'm thinner than I really am. But, cameras don't lie. So when I see a picture of myself in all of my hugeness I once again die a thousand deaths. Ouch. So, there was pain that I had looked like that, and relief in the realization that I looked at least a little better now. See, I told you it was an emotional roller coaster.

So, then I was measured, and I was up on the emotional swing again when I saw how many inches I'd lost in the past 8 weeks. I think it was like 5 or more inches off my hips, and 5 or so off of my thigh, etc. How could I not be excited about that??  Then class started, and Austin had some really great and inspiring things to say about continuing our journey. I even got choked up a little bit, because for the first time I got it. I totally got what he meant, because for me this was absolutely not the end. This was not some diet I was on and would be going off of. This was a real change. A new lifestyle. For the first time ever, I didn't have the fear in the back of my mind saying, "But what if you go back to your old habits and gain the weight back?" I'm actually a different person than I was 8 weeks ago. Amazing.

Then it was time to annouce the winners. I was not at all surprised when they announced the winner for pounds lost-- I knew she was way ahead of me and that she would win. But when she also won for inches lost, I have to admit that the roller coaster plummeted down the hill once again. And seeing her hold all of that cash brought out a little bit of the green envy monster in me. ("There go my new running shoes I was going to buy with the prize money... ")  But, really, it was okay. My new way of thinking is worth way, way more than prize money, or even the running shoes I was going to buy with it. "We're all winners" sounds cheesy, but it was true. Then Kristen asked me to talk about how the challenge had changed my life. So, of course, I began very eloquently... by bawling, then babbling. But I was very sincere in my babbling, so I hope they at least felt that. :) 

After class I went to find out how many inches I'd lost total. I was so very curious about that. And I saw that I'd lost 25 inches. Wow. 10% of my body was now gone.  Can't complain about that!! And I saw that I was in third place for both pounds and inches percentage-wise. I was really close to the second place person, though. And then I tried to remind myself once again that the competition wasn't the main thing here. My new body, my newfound energy, and especially my new lifestlye and way of thinking are really what I won.

So, there marks a little milestone along the pathway of my wellness journey. I've still got a long way to go in pounds and inches, but for the most part the mental work is done. I'm so totally and completely committed to being well and healthy, more so than I have ever been.  It's still hard sometimes, and I still want to eat emotionally sometimes, but I'm am doing so much better than ever before. I'm on my way!!!!

Hooray!!!

I just have to say.... I lost 3.8 pounds this week. That makes 18.2 pounds in the last 7 weeks!!! HOOOORRRRAAAAYYYYY!!!!

Being positive about negative emotions

One of the reasons that I decided to start this blog is that I was very inspired by someone else's blog about her stuggles with her weight. She was going throught the process of being selected as a contestant on "Biggest Loser", and through this process she learned a lot about herself. One thing that really hit home with me was that she said she ate to stuff down any negative emotion. She liked to be happy, and she hated to feel badly about anything. I totally relate to that!! I do not like to feel upset or angry or sad. In fact, sometimes I even feel guilty when I feel negative emotions. So, I tend to eat instead. While I'm eating, I don't have to feel anything (except the exquisite joy that comes from something like chocolate brownie chunk icecream....). It really does make me feel temporarily better. Then, of course, the guilt sets in because I just ate something I shouldn't. So, I have another negative emotion I don't want to feel, and the vicious cycle begins again.  One day about 6 months or so ago I realized I was doing this. So, instead of eating, I sat down and just felt. I thought about the thing that was bothering me, and just let myself feel upset. And you know what?? It DIDN'T kill me! Amazing, huh? I was actually able to think it through, and face even the worst-case scenario that could come out of the situation and decide that it would really be okay. Wow. I'm still working on doing that more often. It's hard, because negative emotions hurt, and dwelling on them can be damaging. But to just feel the emotion and work through it is much more healthy, not only emotionaly, but physically.  So I guess it's time to be a little more positive about feeling negative.

The glass is more than half full

Okay, so in a lot of ways I'm a pretty optimistic person. You know- "the glass is half full" and all of that. And that seems like it would be a pretty good thing. Well, for the most part it is. But, sometimes it translates as, "this shouldn't take me very long to do.." or "my house isn't THAT dirty" or "I'm sure we've had family prayer and read scriptures MOST days this week". When it really gets me into trouble, though, is "I eat pretty healthy", or "I didn't eat THAT much today", or "surely this can't have THAT many calories", or "yeah, I worked out pretty hard, on most days of the week". Yea. You can see how a pattern of this could add up to trouble. And it does. This is why I really, really, really have to keep track of things. I have to write down everything I eat. I have to record how much excercise I've done. I have to look carefully at calories. I still have to measure my food sometimes to get the right serving size. I have to. My kids joke that I'm a calorie nazi. But I have to be. I can't just "try to eat healthy" or estimate my calorie intake, because I estimate way way too optimistically. For the past almost 7 weeks now I've been taking part of the Iron County Weight Loss Challenge. It's been interesting, and good motivation for me. More on that later, though. My point is that someone at the challenge mentioned that they track their calories on My Fitness Pal.com. This has been a life saver for me. I enter what I eat and my excercise every day, and it figures out the calories, etc. for me. I love it. Someday I hope to get to the point where I can be realistic about food and eat healthy without tracking every bite I take. But for now, tracking has helped balance out the eternal optimist in me.

Why am I here again?

Two post in one day?? Yeah, I really should be cleaning my house, especially since my friend is coming to stay with us tonight and I have to be to work at 12:15. But I can't get this off my mind, so I thought I'd write it while it's there.

How in the world did I get this big?? I mean, I didn't just wake up one day weighing 240-some-odd pounds. (Disclaimer: I've lost 14 lbs in the last 6 weeks, so I'm more like 220-some-odd pounds at the moment...) How did this happen? I've thought a lot about that over that last decade or so. And you know what? It really doesn't matter. Well, maybe it did matter at one time, because I needed to get to the root of my problem. Basically, my problem is I really, really like food. A lot. And I eat it when I'm stressed or depressed (or happy, or excited, or sad, or bored, or lonely....) So yea, I've had some stress in my life. Who hasn't? I've spent a lot of time analyzing my bad relationship with food and why I have it: I was the middle child who felt like her voice was never heard, I've been through financial stress pretty much from my teenage years on, my first child was born with Down Syndrome, my dad passed away from complications with diabetes, moving to Cedar when our house in California hadn't sold yet was stressful, I've had 3 miscarriages in the past 3 years and back surgery to boot.... etc....etc...etc. But really, it's life. Everyone has stuff to deal with. Everyone has losses and disappointments. Not everyone overeats to deal with life (though there are many, many of us who do). THAT is the root of the problem. Stress is NOT going to go away. Life is not going to be a piece of cake (ha,ha-- bad analogy!). So, I have to learn not to eat to deal with life. It's WAY harder than it sounds.

Here we go.....

This journey began long ago, but I just decided to blog about it. This blog will be about my wellness journey - the ups and downs of my constant desire to change my body and become fit. It's been pretty much a life-long struggle for me. I want to record my thoughts and feelings so that some day I can help others along in their journey. I don't know where I'd be without those who have inspired me by overcoming their weaknesses, fears, and relationship with food.

It's hard for me to get my true thoughts and feelings out there. I'm usually concerned about what others will think. I want to make everyone happy and have them think that I'm just great. But that's not what this is about. And besides, is anyone even going to read this right now anyway? See, now I'm thinking, "Wait, if someone DOES read this, they are going to think I'm insecure cause I think no one is going to read this..." Yea. This is going to be a challenge.