Hooray!!!

I just have to say.... I lost 3.8 pounds this week. That makes 18.2 pounds in the last 7 weeks!!! HOOOORRRRAAAAYYYYY!!!!

Being positive about negative emotions

One of the reasons that I decided to start this blog is that I was very inspired by someone else's blog about her stuggles with her weight. She was going throught the process of being selected as a contestant on "Biggest Loser", and through this process she learned a lot about herself. One thing that really hit home with me was that she said she ate to stuff down any negative emotion. She liked to be happy, and she hated to feel badly about anything. I totally relate to that!! I do not like to feel upset or angry or sad. In fact, sometimes I even feel guilty when I feel negative emotions. So, I tend to eat instead. While I'm eating, I don't have to feel anything (except the exquisite joy that comes from something like chocolate brownie chunk icecream....). It really does make me feel temporarily better. Then, of course, the guilt sets in because I just ate something I shouldn't. So, I have another negative emotion I don't want to feel, and the vicious cycle begins again.  One day about 6 months or so ago I realized I was doing this. So, instead of eating, I sat down and just felt. I thought about the thing that was bothering me, and just let myself feel upset. And you know what?? It DIDN'T kill me! Amazing, huh? I was actually able to think it through, and face even the worst-case scenario that could come out of the situation and decide that it would really be okay. Wow. I'm still working on doing that more often. It's hard, because negative emotions hurt, and dwelling on them can be damaging. But to just feel the emotion and work through it is much more healthy, not only emotionaly, but physically.  So I guess it's time to be a little more positive about feeling negative.

The glass is more than half full

Okay, so in a lot of ways I'm a pretty optimistic person. You know- "the glass is half full" and all of that. And that seems like it would be a pretty good thing. Well, for the most part it is. But, sometimes it translates as, "this shouldn't take me very long to do.." or "my house isn't THAT dirty" or "I'm sure we've had family prayer and read scriptures MOST days this week". When it really gets me into trouble, though, is "I eat pretty healthy", or "I didn't eat THAT much today", or "surely this can't have THAT many calories", or "yeah, I worked out pretty hard, on most days of the week". Yea. You can see how a pattern of this could add up to trouble. And it does. This is why I really, really, really have to keep track of things. I have to write down everything I eat. I have to record how much excercise I've done. I have to look carefully at calories. I still have to measure my food sometimes to get the right serving size. I have to. My kids joke that I'm a calorie nazi. But I have to be. I can't just "try to eat healthy" or estimate my calorie intake, because I estimate way way too optimistically. For the past almost 7 weeks now I've been taking part of the Iron County Weight Loss Challenge. It's been interesting, and good motivation for me. More on that later, though. My point is that someone at the challenge mentioned that they track their calories on My Fitness Pal.com. This has been a life saver for me. I enter what I eat and my excercise every day, and it figures out the calories, etc. for me. I love it. Someday I hope to get to the point where I can be realistic about food and eat healthy without tracking every bite I take. But for now, tracking has helped balance out the eternal optimist in me.

Why am I here again?

Two post in one day?? Yeah, I really should be cleaning my house, especially since my friend is coming to stay with us tonight and I have to be to work at 12:15. But I can't get this off my mind, so I thought I'd write it while it's there.

How in the world did I get this big?? I mean, I didn't just wake up one day weighing 240-some-odd pounds. (Disclaimer: I've lost 14 lbs in the last 6 weeks, so I'm more like 220-some-odd pounds at the moment...) How did this happen? I've thought a lot about that over that last decade or so. And you know what? It really doesn't matter. Well, maybe it did matter at one time, because I needed to get to the root of my problem. Basically, my problem is I really, really like food. A lot. And I eat it when I'm stressed or depressed (or happy, or excited, or sad, or bored, or lonely....) So yea, I've had some stress in my life. Who hasn't? I've spent a lot of time analyzing my bad relationship with food and why I have it: I was the middle child who felt like her voice was never heard, I've been through financial stress pretty much from my teenage years on, my first child was born with Down Syndrome, my dad passed away from complications with diabetes, moving to Cedar when our house in California hadn't sold yet was stressful, I've had 3 miscarriages in the past 3 years and back surgery to boot.... etc....etc...etc. But really, it's life. Everyone has stuff to deal with. Everyone has losses and disappointments. Not everyone overeats to deal with life (though there are many, many of us who do). THAT is the root of the problem. Stress is NOT going to go away. Life is not going to be a piece of cake (ha,ha-- bad analogy!). So, I have to learn not to eat to deal with life. It's WAY harder than it sounds.

Here we go.....

This journey began long ago, but I just decided to blog about it. This blog will be about my wellness journey - the ups and downs of my constant desire to change my body and become fit. It's been pretty much a life-long struggle for me. I want to record my thoughts and feelings so that some day I can help others along in their journey. I don't know where I'd be without those who have inspired me by overcoming their weaknesses, fears, and relationship with food.

It's hard for me to get my true thoughts and feelings out there. I'm usually concerned about what others will think. I want to make everyone happy and have them think that I'm just great. But that's not what this is about. And besides, is anyone even going to read this right now anyway? See, now I'm thinking, "Wait, if someone DOES read this, they are going to think I'm insecure cause I think no one is going to read this..." Yea. This is going to be a challenge.