The Difference

I continue to learn as I'm on this journey that is so much more emotional than it is physical.  I wonder, what is it about this weight-loss attempt that is different? I've had the knowledge and motivation that I've needed for a long time, but my mind was just not in the right place to stick with it. I think that a big part of the problem in the past was that I was fighting my body. I had in my mind that my body was the enemy, and that I had to use my mind to control and dominate it. I was angry with my body, and sometimes I even really hated it. I would look at thin people, and many times I would see them eating all of the unhealthy things that I wanted to eat and I would think how totally unfair it was that my body harbored fat while their bodies did not. And I'd loathe my body even more. I'd fight it and try to dominate it. In the end my body always won, though. I could only exercise control over it for a short time, and then I would become emotionally weak and eventually give in and give up.

Then I had those very difficult but powerful experiences with my body. I watched my body heal itself after back surgery. Even seeing the scar heal and watching my body make new skin absolutely fascinated me. And slowly but surely, I got stronger again after having my muscles atrophy from disuse for the three months prior to my surgery that I spend in bed. It was truly amazing. Then last January when I miscarried and hemmoraged so badly that my life was in danger, I saw my body fight. I marveled as my body took in 2 pints of someone else's blood and used it. It was amazing.  And I finally realized that my body is NOT the enemy. My body is an amazing gift! Okay, so I've been taught all of my life that "our bodies are temples" and "our bodies are gifts from our Father in Heaven" and that we wanted nothing more than to come to earth and be given a body. But I guess I'd never changed the "our bodies" in my mind to "MY body". MY body is a temple, a gift, and a blessing. I am the one who has been abusing it by overeating and underexercising, and yet it still works for me. It wants to be healthy- it craves healthy food and exercise.

And so I really think that that is the biggest difference this time. I'm not on a "diet", and I'm not fighting with and depriving my body anymore. Instead, I'm working with my body, trying to feed it right and give it exercise, and together we are becoming who I am supposed to be.